Updated: Dec 2, 2020
I have been gone for a minute. Over the last few months, I have been met a lot of opposition -- and it has mostly been self-inflicted. There are days that things feel unbearable, but then I remember all the steps I am taking to be better.
Back in April, I was giving myself a Tarot reading. I pulled the Tower (and for those of you who don't know Tarot that well, the card has very specific designated meanings, including the total and complete upheaval and destruction of one's life.) No one that ever receives this card wants to believe in the weight of it...not at first. I brushed it aside; I thought that I could escape its daunting message, but boy -- was I fucking wrong.
I also pulled my cards at the beginning of the year. I used the Literary Witches deck and, looking back at the readings now, I can see a clear and distinct path that led me to where I am now.
May was about reckoning with the failure of my own humanity and watching what boundaries I had in place crumble.
June brought me to the unknown depths of my inner world and facing the uncertainty of self, that which I fear more than anything in this world.
July had me face my fragility and forced me to take my time finding the sacredness of that vulnerability.
And here we sit in August which has been cast as the month of solitude, wishes, wandering, and taking up space again.
All of these things are the sum (and consequences) of decisions I had been making for over a year. I wasn't in a healthy state of mind; I had not been processing what was necessary. I was living in a warped reality of my own creation.
Without getting into too much detail, I started seeking therapy. I have actively worked through Shadow Work before, but let me tell you that what I have learned in my sessions since June has really opened my eyes. I realize I still have a ways to go, and that brings me to this week's art.
For the longest time, I hated my reflection. I couldn't bear to look myself in the eye. I don't really know what was worse: seeing my pain echoed back at me or understanding full well that the picture I had painted of myself was in no way, shape, or form what was truly there.
I have learned that my actions, responses to trauma, and coping mechanisms I have developed since childhood have led me here. Taking ownership of the entirety of my life has proved to be quite intimidating, but I do want to let you know that it has been worth it. Even when I am scared. Even now that I find myself more alone than I have ever been.
It reminds me of a song by Third Eye Blind ("Motorcycle Drive By") from an album that has been influential multiple times in my life. It says:
I hope you take a piece of me with you
And there's things I'd like to do
That you don't believe in
I would like to build something
But you never see it happen
And there's this burning
Like there's always been
I've never been so alone
And I've, I've never been so alive
I'm finding myself looking at my reflection and not being fearful. There are still days where old habits try to resurface, but recognizing them has really awakened a self-awareness that I have never known before.
I'm not done healing yet; I don't think we ever really are. But I tell you what --
I like the person I am becoming.